Thursday, January 22, 2009

How to Catch a Chick Without Moving Your Butt.

All boys, and grown men who should know better, try to catch chicks. They get all hot and breathless, running hither and thither, while the chick flaps and flutters, runs between their legs, and between their sweaty hands, above their heads and all over, always out of reach.

Of course, Man being the Chosen One and chick being the Chosen Sucker, the chick always gets caught in the end with no happily ever after. But by the time, the chase is over, Man/Boy is angry, he is flustered, he is yelling, and he is desperately needing a drink. Again.

Here for the first time is disclosed a sure-fire method of how to catch a chick without moving your butt, and without sweating it.

What you will need:
An easy chair: The idea is to be sitting comfortably, so while just any chair will do, you will have to look comfortable or else the chicks sense a problem- and stay away.

A glass of anything drinkable. Beer works best. Chicks like guys who guzzle beer. Beer drinkers have big beer bellies, which make it difficult for them to run and so the chicks feel safe.

A long piece of string. String. Not rope. You don’t use rope to catch chicks. You use thin, fine, strong, silken strands. But if you are the farmhand type and don’t know about silk, use ordinary string.

Peanuts. The peanuts are for the chicks. You may pop one or two into your mouth just to enhance the ‘comfort’ aura, but save some for the chicks.

A small table: To keep all the above, what else? Do I have to explain everything?

A place to keep the chicks: This is important. Success is guaranteed. You are going to get the chick. But if you don’t have a place to keep the chick, the chick may run away and then you have to do it all over again.

You sit at ease in the chair, pretending that life is good, you have a healthy bank balance, your weight is fine. The chicks are all around you but at a distance.

After a sip of the beer and a peanut or two, you take the needle and thread it with the string. The chicks sense your disinterest. The guy is sewing!? They think it’s okay to come closer.

Next you pierce a peanut with the needle and secure the peanut on the thread. Get that? The peanut has to be securely threaded. Then hold the other end of the string firmly in your hand and throw the peanut on the ground.

The chicks who have been nonchalantly wandering around you, see the peanut. They are excited. The Strong Silent Man has shown interest. Run. Run. Take it up! The smartest, fastest chick gets to the peanut first. She gulps it. She is happy. She has won.

Gently, very gently, you pull in the string. Don’t try to be hasty, or use force, or you will lose the chick. The peanut is stuck inside the chick. She cannot get it out. The string is in your hands. No rush. You pull. Chick moves. Pull. Move. Pull. Move. Gently does it.

The chick comes meekly towards you not knowing what it is that is drawing him/her there. It’s just a nut she/he has swallowed, but chick thinks it is some mystic ‘inner’ thing driving him/her. Chick comes close enough to be picked up.

Result: Pick up the chick. Chick is yours.

This works on male and female chicks.
You may catch as man chicks as you want at a time.
You may keep them even if they are not yours because the chicks can’t make a sound while you are doing this and so the owner never, ever discovers you have them unless you tell him.
This method is tried, tested, guaranteed, and patented. Send me your dollars.

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