Saturday, November 15, 2008

What Men Think About.


What are little boys made of?
Toads and snails, and puppy-dogs' tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
Unfortunately, little boys grow up into men;
And this post is about the monsters they become then.

My friend Doris comes up one day, and says agitatedly, "You know Rose, I went to offer condolences to Ajit M. on the death of his mother, trying my best to look sorrowful, which was tough, because after all the woman was 90 and how much grief can you display, you should be rejoicing really at her finally managing it, which at one time had seemed impossible. Anyway, I am saying sadly:
“I'm so sorry Ajit bhaiyya I heard about your mother's death, such a good woman, how did it happen, how you must miss her, etc. etc.”
And-and you know what? That bloody effing Ajit, he's standing there in front of me unhearing, eyes fixed unmoving on my boobs. Totally mesmerized."

By now every woman in the building knows of boob-gazer Ajit’s peculiarity, and one and all hunch their shoulders trying to shrink their assets, whenever he approaches. But the 2nd floor dimwit Sheila, as usual, has not caught on. Come Divali she goes up to him, opens her arms wide, and with a loud "Happy Divali Ajit bhaiyya" gives him a tight hug. Ajit looks like he has achieved nirvana. Of course, he has a happy Divali. Probably still getting off on Sheila's warm, warm wishes.

I happened to relate this incident to my good friend JD, whom I have known for 17 years and he says calmly, "Hey, all men do that. It's just that some of the idiots haven't learned how to do it without being caught.”
“Not only that, Nuts,” he adds, “99% of men when they meet a woman check out her vital stats and imagine how she would fare in bed."
“Look at me," he says and demonstrates a look. “When they look at you like this, that’s when they are thinking on those lines."
I say, "Hey I've seen that look. I always thought the guy was doing some serious thinking when he looked like that."
"Of course he is. He's doing some serious thinking about just what I told you."
Well, JD says he is willing to demonstrate the look to anyone interested, with the intention of educating and empowering women kind.
(Now, WAIT a minute, there's a catch in there somewhere.)

Hold on, there is a third type of male who when you reject his advances, invariably whines, “Oh, you must be a lesbian.” (I know that’s hitting below the belt JD and you deserve it.)

Not done yet. Called up someone from my old office, who tells me he is at Big Bazaar. That sounds innocent, until he tells me he is , “looking for babes”. So girls put your belts on. A man shopping is not a man shopping. He is a man out for a kill. However, since this techie is something of a friend, I have some advice for him. You want class, you avoid Big Bazaar. Too, too down-market. Pyramids, Central Park, Westside, that’s where the serious eye candy is!

MAKING A FIST HAS MOVED to This will remain a fun blog.

I can just hear the men reading this post thinking: She’s not a witch, she’s a bitch. Right. So this post does seem a little man-bashing. But I do love you, men. Else, why would I be wasting my time writing about you? So you just go right ahead and play with your toys.
And women, YOU take care.


Manisha said...

After reading your blog I realised what it meant when you called me and said “waiting for your reaction” followed by tentative witch laughter.

Your blog signing off statement:
So you just go right ahead and play with your toys.
And women, YOU take care.

My dear witch, We are going to have III World War [verbally]. Wait for my call..

Micky said...

May be I'm a perfect idiot though yet to graduate being atleast one of those who haven't learned how to peek-a-boo without being caught